---

I wrote your name so many times
just to stare at it.

Not to send anything.

Just to see if it still felt familiar.

It did.

That was the problem.

---

I don’t know how to start this without sounding weak.

Or dramatic.

Or like I’m still stuck somewhere I shouldn’t be.

But the truth is

there are things I never said to you.

Not because I didn’t feel them.

But because I didn’t know how to say them
without losing you.

---

I wanted to tell you that you hurt me.

Not in one big moment.

But in small, quiet ways.

The kind that are hard to explain.

The kind that don’t look serious from the outside
but feel heavy inside.

Like waiting for your reply
and pretending it didn’t matter.

Like noticing the distance
and convincing myself I was overthinking.

Like missing you
even when you were right there.

---

I wanted to ask you questions I was too scared to ask.

“Do I matter to you the way you matter to me?”
“Why do I feel alone when I’m with you?”
“Why does loving you feel like guessing all the time?”

But I didn’t.

Because I was afraid of the answers.

And maybe, even more afraid of the silence.

---

I tried to be easy to love.

I really did.

I adjusted my expectations.
I softened my reactions.
I ignored the things that didn’t feel right.

I told myself:

“This is normal.”
“This is how relationships are.”
“Don’t ruin this by asking for too much.”

But deep down,

I knew something was missing.

---

There’s one thing I never told you.

And maybe this is the hardest part to admit.

I started feeling like I had to earn your love.

Like I had to be more patient,
more understanding,
less emotional,
less, me.

And I don’t think love is supposed to feel like that.

---

I wish I had said something earlier.

I wish I had been honest
instead of careful.

Maybe things would have ended the same way.

But at least I wouldn’t be left
with so many unsaid words.

---

I don’t hate you.

I don’t even blame you completely.

You loved me the way you could.

And I stayed, hoping it would become the way I needed.

---

This letter was never meant to be sent.

Because I know now
that closure doesn’t always come from the other person.

Sometimes it comes from finally saying the truth
to yourself.

---

And the truth is,

I deserved a love
that didn’t feel confusing.

I deserved a love
that didn’t make me question my worth.

I deserved a love
that didn’t require me to become smaller.

---

I just wish
I had believed that sooner.

---

(unsent) 💔

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